Supporting Independence is incredibly healing and empowering!
I find that most people don’t ever think about supporting independence in their pets. In fact, the humans often just want cuddles and comfort from their pets. Independence feels like a betrayal. Like you are being mean to your furry family members. It’s quite the opposite when you do this properly – BUT there is a level of healthy discomfort that you and your pets will have to go through to get to a healthy independence that actually makes your relationship stronger, deeper, healthier, and more intimate.
Sound like a paradox?
Maybe it is. I find that many humans are emotionally and energetically entangled with their pets. They don’t know where one ends, and the next begins. there is often a needy, clingy dynamic (that can be at both ends of the lead, or just at one end). Before you get upset, let me be clear that a lot fo this is unconscious.
Many of us learn entanglement, codependence, and a whole stack of needy, clingy kinds of patterns form birth, because a lot fo these unhealthy patterns are more common than not in humanity at this time. These unhealthy patterns may seem so normal, that you might not know any different.
What is healthy independence? What does supporting independence look like?
Let’s explore the meanings of these words.
Supporting: ‘to encourage, comfort, help, etc., under trial or affliction; sustain, to maintain (a person, family, establishment, institution, etc.) by supplying with things necessary to existence; provide for’. And the deeper, older meaning includes ‘convey, carry, bring up, bring forward’
Independence: ‘the state of wanting or being able to do things for yourself/by yourself and make your own decisions, without help or influence from other people – self-sufficiency’. The deeper, older meaning includes ‘able to live well’.
I like the sense of ‘bringing up, bringing forward’ and helping yourself and your pets to be ‘able to live well. Independence means that the being in question can care for themselves, self-regulate, be able to be on their own in their own space when necessary without distress, and (this is important) – they will be better able to participate in and maintain healthy, strong relationships.
It’s worth considering this truth:Â you have to support your own independence before you can effectively support your pet’s independence. This can be hard work, because you’ll need to take an honest look at where you are at (are you needing your pets for emotional support in a less than totally healthy way? Can you say a ‘healthy yes’ and a head;lthy no’ to your animal and yourself, when needed?).
Once you’ve checked in with her you are at, you can then grow your capacity to become more and more independent. However, sometimes people might be too independent, which can also be a problem. Balance is very important!
Supporting Independence can go too far – overly independent beings can become isolated and disconnected!
Supporting independence in yourself can go too far. If this happens, you might become isolated and socially disconnected- a sort of ‘I don’t need anyone else’ vibe. You might then expect your pet’s to be overly independent, and not give them the closeness, intimacy, and interactions they need to be happy and well.
Where is the line in the sand? It’s where there is balance, give and take, capacity to be an individual in a healthy way, and at the same time capacity to care, connect, and be intimate without collapsing into unhealthy entanglement and codependence. I find that this is an ongoing dance for me. Sometimes I need more space, and less connection. Other times my dogs might need extra comforting for a little while.
Another day my whippet might be overly demanding and clingy, and I might have to tell her ‘out’ and give her time to find her own way without being a rash all over me. It’s dynamic, always changing, we have to make value judgments, learn, succeed, fail, learn some more, again and again.
Supporting independence is a PRACTICE. It’s a life-long journey! And it enhances your life, and your pet’s life!
How are you going to grow your capacity for supporting independence?
Here’s a video where I speak on this topic.
Enjoyed this? You can find my most recent blog before this at this link.
If you enjoyed this, you may want to have a holistic veterinary consultation for your pets – go to www.thehealingvet.com
Mitzi, my dog, all chilled out on the couch.