I have found that a ‘Relationship-First’ focus and practices with my pets have made things better than I imagined was possible!
I have suffered through toxic, abusive relationships. Two marriages where my nervous system was continually on high alert, where my wives were consistently unkind and abusive, unpredictable, and frankly awful. It left me with PTSD, and a very deep, deep appreciation for, and a burning desire to experience healthy, kind, supportive relationships.
I also learned how to be dominating, and how to use fear and pain to make animals do what I wanted them to do as a child on a cattle property in North Qld. I’ve learned so many ways of kindness, connection, and love since then. Now my animals love, trust, and care for me so much more deeply than those who I was forceful and dominating with int he past.
For there to be true, trusting, open, kind, respectful connections and interactions, I had to get into a relationship-first frame. I have to make my relationship with my animals, with my beloveds, with my clients, with everyone and everything, the most important thing.
This wasn’t easy. It took work. I had to confront my shadows, my patterns, unhealthy behaviors, and practices.
But by golly it was so worth it. Since I’ve been relationship-first as a strong, ongoing focus in my life, I’ve noticed how much happier and relaxed my pets are with me. And how much more love and care there is in all of my relationships. Life has improved in every way possible.
However, this doesn’t exactly come easy. It takes:
- a decision to make ‘relationship-first’ a guiding principle or value in your life
- will and determination to keep showing up to learn how to do this better and better
- and a willingness to learn and grow from one’s mistakes.
Relationship-first is simple, but it ain’t easy. Until it becomes easy, because you’ve practiced, worked at it, healed your shit, made changes, and grown that muscle to the point where it becomes more natural and easy to act and behave in ways that naturally support deep trust, love, connection, and presence within yourself, and with all beings whom you are in relation with.
Here’s a framework to help you become ‘Relationship-First’ with your pets, and in your life
The first thing is to decide to make your relationships with your animals (and with others) important. A priority. Something that you think about and work at improving day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, year-by-year. The realm of relating, interacting, caring, respecting, listening, and responding to others is an infinite exploration.
There are always more subtleties to learn and express when you have a relationship-first life focus.
The second thing is to become aware of and let go of any and all patterns of domination, force, unkindness, or care-lessness that you may be expressing. (We all have them to some degree or another, so don’t fool yourself if you think you don’t! I am always on the lookout for areas where I might be unconscious in these ways.)
This is ongoing, necessary, and sometimes challenging work. I had to really dig in- and to forgive myself for how I’d behaved in the past, so I could grow into better ways of behaving in the future.
This is a big reason why there is NO room for any kind of unkindness, aversive training methods, or the use of domination or force to make animals (or humans) do what I want them to do in my life.
What there is room for is sensitivity, care, deep listening, ongoing communication with responsiveness to feedback, behaving in ways that increase trust and safety, and above all, acting with kindness in every way possible.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t have very strong, clear boundaries with my animals, and with humans. That too is absolutely necessary. And you can express clear, strong boundaries in ways that are relationship-first. Healthy yes. Healthy no. The other being might not like them! But that doesn’t mean that they are not necessary, and they can all be expressed with deep, beautiful, caring kindness.
I find that the better I get at healthy yes, healthy no, healthy boundaries, and relationship-enriching/supporting communication, training, and interactions, the more resilient, happy, loving, and healthy my pets have become. Yes, I still get frustrated. Yes, I sometimes default back to dominating tendencies if I’m stressed. But less and less does this happen, the more I make relationship-first practices a strong priority in my life.
Give it a go. Your choice to make is a priority is the beginning. Then is you need help to implement these kinds of practices with your pets, reach out. I’d love to help you enjoy deeper, more beautiful relationships with your pets (yes, they can get better, no matter how good they are already!).
Prefer video? – here’s a video on this topic.
Enjoy this? Here’s last week’s blog.
Want to work with me? Go to The Healing Vet website.